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#1【文学 】   《轨迹》(诗) (By 章凝)            Go Back
轨迹

章凝

你与风并肩而行
踏上一条弯曲的直线
终点远在天边近在眼前
水面上铺满了道路
你以波光为灯标 以女人为船

白昼的尘埃 夜晚的露
你攀上树梢查看鸟巢
潜入水底剪破渔网
找见一棵无花果树后
你捧起海水为泉

摇篮与墓碑之间山水连绵
你走在飞禽走兽的家园
穿过花开花落的草地
身后留下一行沙迹
只要手心握有一粒光子
黑夜终将化作白天


Last modified on 09/08/17 23:37
        

#2  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
读了几遍,试图感受诗文的意境。
--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*
自得其乐
        

#3  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
A Verse By Zhang Ning (thesunlover)
(Trajectory)

Walking with the wind side by side
You embark on a straight zigzag course
The destination seems far yet so close in sight
The waters are crisscrossed with paths
Glittering waves your beacons, women your canoes

Dust during the day and dew at night
You climb atop the trees to seek the bird’s nests
And dive deep into the water to rip the fishing nets
As soon as you catch sight of a fig tree
You scoop the seawater up as the lymph

Between the cradle and tombstone lie endless hills and rills
You travel in the homeland of flying birds and treading beasts
And across the grassland where flowers bloom and doom
You have left behind a row of sand-marks
As long as you clench a photon in your hand
Eventually a nighted night will turn into a bright day

Tr. Xiao Cao(小草译)
        

#4  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
Trace

Zhang Ning

Shoulder to shoulder, you journey with wind
Along a curved straight-line
To the destination far on the horizon yet close in sight
On a watery surface strewn with paths
Where sparkling waves your beacon, a woman your boat

Through the dust during the daytime, over the dews at nighttime
You climb onto tree tops to look into bird nests
And dive into the bottoms of waters to rip open fishing nets
Only to find a fig-tree
You hand-cup up the sea water, a spring to you

The cradle is linked to the tomb through continuous mountains and rivers
Where you walk on the land of flying birds and treading beasts
And cross the grassland of flowers that bloom and wither
While leaving behind you a line of sand trace
But as long as you clench a photon in your palm
You will kindle the dark night into a bright daytime

Translated by Lu(路译)
        

#5  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
云天怎么好久不见了?
        

#6  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
《轨迹》诗意浪漫,梦幻哲理。

人生的“轨迹”既长又短,“摇篮与墓碑之间山水连绵”, “终点远在天边近在眼前”。

“只要手心握有一粒光子
黑夜终将化作白天”
读这句时, 耳边响起贝多芬的《命运交响曲》。 不少诗人忧郁悲观,爱阳似乎例外。

问候爱阳,站长及诸位。顺祝诸君中秋快乐!
(我现在忙且懒,所以不常来)
        

#7  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
小草及路都是高手,赏学二位好译。

不揣浅陋,凑几行:


轨迹
章凝

The Trail
by Zhang Ning

你与风并肩而行
踏上一条弯曲的直线
终点远在天边近在眼前
水面上铺满了道路
你以波光为灯标 以女人为船

Shoulder to shoulder you walk with the wind
Setting foot on a curved straight line
The destination lies beyond the horizon, yet right before your eyes
On path-woven waters
Glistening waves are your beacons, women your sloops

白昼的尘埃 夜晚的露
你攀上树梢查看鸟巢
潜入水底剪破渔网
找见一棵无花果树后
你捧起海水为泉

On dusty days and dewy nights
You climb to the treetop to peek into the bird nests
And dive to the bottom of waters to cut open a fishing net
Upon finding a fig tree
You scoop up the sea water as your fountain

摇篮与墓碑之间山水连绵
你走在飞禽走兽的家园
穿过花开花落的草地
身后留下一行沙迹
只要手心握有一粒光子
黑夜终将化作白天

Mountains and rivers stretch from the cradle to the tomb
Treading in the homeland of flying birds and walking beasts
Passing through the meadows of flowers that bloom and fade
You leave behind a trail of sand marks
As long as you clench a photon in your palms
The dark night will ultimately turn into a bright day.

Tr. Yuntian


Last modified on 09/16/16 12:11
        

#8  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
感谢云天百忙之中翻译拙作。三个版本各有千秋,需要好好对比学习。容我转去伊甸了哦。
        

#9  Re: 《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
我有次读一个网友的翻译,说为什么不用另外一个词呢,那个词似乎更贴切。网友答, 有人先用了。 我不以为然,说,这个词别人又没专利。 看来我错了。

比方“肩并肩”,我译完后,一看路君也用了此词。我特意查了中文字典, 看有无别的译法, 字典用"shoulder to shoulder"。 Winnie the Pooh 中有首歌就唱 we stand shoulder to shoulder. 小草君用的是”side by side", 这两个词与原诗最贴切。 我想不出别的替代, hand in hand, arm in arm 都与原文有距离 , 更何况我又不是抄路君的。中文有词"所见略同“, 于是就留在那。还有“弯曲的直线”-- curved straight line, 是直译呀, 我们不是说curved spine, curved line 么, 这并不是什么花哨说法,我不需要参照别人翻译这样的词。就比如“飞禽走兽”, 小草君/路君都用“flying birds and treading beasts”,我更直,flying birds and walking beasts, 算谁抄谁呀, 不过是惯常说法。 walk with the wind 我随手写的,根本没多想。 刚刚才注意小草君首句用的是walking with the wind,我竟然一点印象都没有。 自由体长诗翻译不像五言/七言绝句那样一目了然。

另外, walk with the wind, path-woven waters, 我不认为不可以。诗歌语言不必拘泥。

又比方 dive to the bottom...., 我注意到小草君与路君都用了dive,遂改作 descend to, 但又想, 潜水就是 dive 呀, 又改回去了。

又比方“黑夜终将化作白天”, 小草君版本“Eventually a nighted night will turn into a bright day”, 我译作The dark night will ultimately turn into a bright day. 我的基本是直译,没有小草君那么讲究。 我想这句一般人直译都会跟我的相差无几,不存在谁抄谁的问题。 我若仔细对比翻译,我可以改成 the dark night will ultimately give way to a bright day. 但我译前译后都没有逐行对比。他们的美译我读了,每句都记得是不可能的。

我自己有印象的参考的是这句:”你以波光为灯标 以女人为船“。
我原译是 Glistening waves serve as your beacons, women as your sloops.
sloop 单桅帆船, 是多年前我同女儿读 E.B.White 的 Stuart Little 时学到的。
我觉得路译这句比较简洁,而我的"women (serve) as your sloops” 可能会有歧义,就把 serve as 改成了 are.
在此感谢路君。 我说“赏学”, 即欣赏学习。三人行,必有我师。 同题翻译好处即在此。
我还注意到小草君擅于用韵. 我很欣赏,但我译“山水”, 仍是按照自己的习惯译为 mountains and rivers. 学不来。:)

【又注:这次因为对照版本,才意识到也当感谢小草君(第1译):
Glittering waves your beacons, women your canoes(小草版)
sparkling waves your beacon, a woman your boat(路版)】

这首诗最令我纠结的是“白昼的尘埃 夜晚的露”,还有“终点远在天边近在眼前”。颇费了一些脑筋。
我本来译作The destination lies beyond the horizon, yet right within sight.
他们二人所见略同,都是用close in sight。 "close" 用得妙。
我觉得我的 within sight同他们的有点接近,遂改为The destination lies beyond the horizon, yet right before your eyes。 生命的路既远又近。

我必须声明,我翻译时没有逐句参照小草君和路君的美译。
我翻译时习惯一段原文,一段译文,这样比较方便眼睛。离太远读起来不方便。
小草君与路君版本“各有千秋”, 我只是一时手痒凑兴。

原本不想啰嗦,还是啰嗦了这么多。玩翻译只是hobby,欣赏原作文字的一种方式。
当然这对我也算一次教训吧,以后如果再玩同题翻译我一定谨慎,把对方的翻译打印出来,逐行对照,避免不必要的雷同。


Last modified on 09/22/16 18:30
        

#10  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
没想到惹了麻烦,希望云天别介意!我把你这解释转去给他们看看吧。
        

#11  Re: 《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
抱歉给爱阳君添烦了!

多谢了! 也怪我自己不够谨慎。
        

#11  Re: 《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
本无名小卒昨晚挑灯再译,争取绕过小草君/路君二位用过的词。译这版,不为争执,只求进步。

感谢路君严要求,我这次尽量避免小草君/路君用过的词,包括woman一词。这样动脑筋也很有意思。若偏差太大,还望爱阳君海涵。

另外,上次“你以波光为灯标 以女人为船”一句的译文,只感谢了路君。这次因为将我的新译与二位美译逐行对照,才意识到也当感谢小草君(第1译),一并感谢二位高手给我的启发:
Glittering waves your beacons, women your canoes(小草版)
sparkling waves your beacon, a woman your boat(路版)

一个文本下的翻译,有时思路相似译文相似,实在也是正常的。译者的空间毕竟有限。
最佳翻译当属集体智慧。 所以,爱阳君以后若想出中英对照诗集,一定要把小草君/路君都请到。

小草君/路君二位高人出手不凡,美译很多地方都值得我学习,再谢!更谢爱阳君的好诗!


The Trail
by Zhang Ning

You set foot on a trail crooked yet straight
By your side, it's the wind.
The finishing point lies both far at the land's end and near right before your eyes
Though the nautical roads intertwine on open waters
You have glistening ripples as guiding lights, and lassies as sloops.

As dusts rise during the day and dews fall at night
You climb to the treetop to peep into bird nests
And plunge into the abyss of the ocean to cut through a fishnet
Upon finding a fig tree
You dip water out of the sea and hold it as your fountain

Ridges and streams seem unending, stretching from the cradle to the tomb
You tread in the country where birds soar and beasts roam
and pass through the meadows where flowers blossom and fade
Behind you grows a trail of sand steaks
If you hold on tight to a photon in your fist
The starless night will ultimately give way to a sunshiny day

Tr. Nobody

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

为环保还是不打印了,这样逐段对照更方便。按版本先后顺序排列,小草(第1译),路(第2译),无名(第3译):

轨迹
章凝

A Verse By Zhang Ning (thesunlover)
(Trajectory) (小草译)

Trace
Zhang Ning (路译)

The Trail
by Zhang Ning (无名译)

你与风并肩而行
踏上一条弯曲的直线
终点远在天边近在眼前
水面上铺满了道路
你以波光为灯标 以女人为船

Walking with the wind side by side
You embark on a straight zigzag course
The destination seems far yet so close in sight
The waters are crisscrossed with paths
Glittering waves your beacons, women your canoes (小草译)

Shoulder to shoulder, you journey with wind
Along a curved straight-line
To the destination far on the horizon yet close in sight
On a watery surface strewn with paths
Where sparkling waves your beacon, a woman your boat (路译)

You set foot on a trail crooked yet straight
By your side, it's the wind.
The finishing point lies both far at the land's end and near right before your eyes
Though the nautical roads intertwine on open waters
You have glistening ripples as guiding lights, and lassies as sloops. (无名译)

白昼的尘埃 夜晚的露
你攀上树梢查看鸟巢
潜入水底剪破渔网
找见一棵无花果树后
你捧起海水为泉

Dust during the day and dew at night
You climb atop the trees to seek the bird’s nests
And dive deep into the water to rip the fishing nets
As soon as you catch sight of a fig tree
You scoop the seawater up as the lymph (小草译)

Through the dust during the daytime, over the dews at nighttime
You climb onto tree tops to look into bird nests
And dive into the bottoms of waters to rip open fishing nets
Only to find a fig-tree
You hand-cup up the sea water, a spring to you(路译)

As dusts rise during the day and dews fall at night
You climb to the treetop to peep into bird nests
And plunge into the abyss of the ocean to cut through a fishnet
Upon finding a fig tree
You dip water out of the sea and hold it as your fountain (无名译)

摇篮与墓碑之间山水连绵
你走在飞禽走兽的家园
穿过花开花落的草地
身后留下一行沙迹
只要手心握有一粒光子
黑夜终将化作白天

Between the cradle and tombstone lie endless hills and rills
You travel in the homeland of flying birds and treading beasts
And across the grassland where flowers bloom and doom
You have left behind a row of sand-marks
As long as you clench a photon in your hand
Eventually a nighted night will turn into a bright day (小草译)

The cradle is linked to the tomb through continuous mountains and rivers
Where you walk on the land of flying birds and treading beasts
And cross the grassland of flowers that bloom and wither
While leaving behind you a line of sand trace
But as long as you clench a photon in your palm
You will kindle the dark night into a bright daytime (路译)

Ridges and streams seem unending, stretching from the cradle to the tomb
You tread in the country where birds soar and beasts roam
and pass through the meadows where flowers blossom and fade
Behind you grows a trail of sand steaks
If you hold on tight to a photon in your fist
The starless night will ultimately give way to a sunshiny day (无名译)
        

#17  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
云天,哪能怪你,是我多事了。

哈哈,才发现你竟然又来了一版。这两天我也在尝试着翻译(大姑娘上轿头一回),也是尽力避开你们三位已经用过的词句乃至思路,但有两个字和你的新版撞车了,即 ripples和peep,其它好像还没有。等我的出笼后,你不会怪罪我抄你的吧。
        

#18  Re: 《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
爱阳君,有句流行语:“天上飘过五个字:这都不算事。”

太好了,等着瞧新娘!新娘一定要到这里串门呀。自译诗肯定独特。
有两字撞车? 握手,很荣幸呀。
        

#19  《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
受小草,路,云天三位仁友的启发和引导,我也来试试。再次致谢,并请不吝指教!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Orbit

Escorted by the wind you hike along
an orbit which is twisting again direct
The end is at hand yet beyond skyline
Various roads are set upon waters
Shimmering ripples ignite the lighthouse
femininity bears you a one-man ark

Days of dusts and nights of dew
You ape up the trees to peep at bird nests
Dive into deep water to rip up fishing nets
Once a fig tree been discovered lastly
you gather the seawater as fresh springs

Alpines after amazons between the cradle and gravestone
You trek through Eden of vigorous birds and beasts
Cross prairies where flowers flourish and wither
Let it behind a row of sandy stamps
In light of clenching a photon in your palms
The gloomy night will ultimately
be taken over by a sunny day

Tr. Ning Zhang
        

#20  Re: 《轨迹》(诗)             Go Back
惊艳惊艳! 新娘子模样果然漂亮别致!爱阳好译,赏学了!

到底是自译,放得开,理解深,很多词用得都很好,很独特。
比方"ark", 我们译者一般是想不到的,甚至“女人”是单数/复数都靠猜。
我自己为追求“信”,通常贴着字面解读翻译。
        



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